Shit

6 months ago, I asked my OB for "permission" to have my first mammogram before I turned 40 to have as a baseline.  Cancer runs in my family, my grandmother had breast cancer, I just thought it was wise.  My OB agreed.  I had my first mammogram.  It was not nearly as bad as I expected.  Bizarre, yes.  Painful, not really.

They told me everything was fine and I left the Radiology Department having passed through another of a woman's rites of passage.  

A few days later I got a call back from my OB's assistant.  Upon further review, the radiologist wanted me to come back in.  Apparently there was a small lump in my left breast that they wanted to take a closer look at.  

I rolled my eyes at the message left on my answering machine.  Another example of doctors covering their asses by encouraging higher level tests "just to be sure."  

Sure enough, when I went in the next week, the radiologist confirmed that the lump was benign, just a regular irregularity found in many women.  They asked me to come back in 6 months to be sure the lump wasn't changing.  I never gave it another thought.

A few weeks ago, I got the reminder post card that I needed to schedule my 6 month follow-up.  I went in last week, had the mammogram, the radiologist said there was no change and I could resume a regular schedule of annual mammograms.

Earlier this morning, I got a message from my OB's office.  "Sandie, this is Dr. Clawson.  Would you please call me at my office when you get a chance?"  That's it.  No reassuring words, no explanation.  Just call.

So here I sit, waiting for her to call back.  The doctor herself has never called before.  It's always been an assistant.  I don't like this.

Mother's Day '09

What does is say about me/my life that when my hubs asked what I wanted for mother's day I told him I wanted him to take the kids so I could clean out the garage?  Honest to God, time to myself to organize, label and clean = bliss.

Wondering

What can I do about the abused women and children in Darfur?

Because I don't have time to finish

So many things I don't ever start because I know I won't have time to finish.  But I decided today to not let that prevent me from starting.  

Thoughts on things I hope to change in my life:

- Family dinner Saturday and Sunday where we all eat the same thing

- Having my kids eat more "regular" food and less "kid" food

- More cooking, less heating up

- Floss more

Interesting that 3 of the 4 have to do with food and all have to do with my mouth.

Speaking of, I think I might get braces again.  AGAIN!

Baby

I held a 7 month old baby girl today.  She chewed on the zipper of my sweatshirt.  She babbled.  She nibbled on her own toes.  It was bliss.  I'm done biologically.  But am I done?  

Hi again

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning."

My friend (Pam) has inspired me to start blogging again.  I'm thinking this blog will take a different form now.  Maybe more short posts.  More snippets of what I am thinking and feeling.  Twitter-ish?  I'm not going to try to be as entertaining.  We shall see how it evolves.

Pam posted this quote to her blog today.  Lately, I have been looking at my kids and thinking about how old they are.  I know it's relative.  Pam's kids are in high school and college and they seem old to her.  But my oldest just turned 8 and I am feeling like time is slipping through my fingers.   I remember his first days at home - rocking him in the rocker, 24/7, nursing him, staring at him, breathing him in.  It seems like a blink ago but also somehow far away.  The memories are there, but they are a little foggy.  If I reach out for them, I can almost touch them.  But not quite.  I am terrified that the next 8 years will go by as quickly.

Underneath the feelings I have watching my children grow, is the underlying question of who I am.  Before I became a mom, I knew the answer to that question.  But I'm not that person any more.  I don't know the answer anymore.  And so as my children grow, there are endings, which are also beginnings.  

If a picture paints a thousand words

I wonder if anyone is even still checking here.  I have been silent for so long.  I'm not sure why, no words have been coming lately.  

I hope you enjoy this, in the meantime...  

Timm Family Montage 2008

Happy New Year.  May it be a year of peace and clarity and joy.