Mama......

This has been a terrible week. All 3 of my kids have been sick, two sicker than others. I have been housebound with them for 8 days now. Aaron is traveling for work until Sunday.

For the past 8 days I have given 100% of myself to my kids. For 4 days straight, Ben would not let me up off the couch (where he was sitting). If I was lucky I was "allowed" to flip through a magazine while I sat next to him. Mostly he wanted to be in my arms with nothing distracting me.

In many ways I savored the extra cuddling I got with all 3 boys. But when all 3 wanted me at once, there was trouble. Someone always ended up crying.

Nights have been really tough. I don't think I've slept for more than an hour straight since this started. Between the coughing fits and all of them waking up and wanting me... it has been brutal. The worst is that Jack and Ben both want me to sleep with them. And I have loved being with them in their beds, holding them, comforting them when they can't stop coughing. But on many occasions they both want me at the same time. So one is crying while I comfort the other. Last night, one would cry, I'd cuddle up to them, they'd fall back to sleep and 10 minutes later the other would wake up realizing I was gone and start to cry because they wanted me back. So I was literally back and forth between their beds probably 20 times.

Ben was finally feeling semi back to himself yesterday, but he was still grumpy. So the littlest things set him off. If he wanted me to read to him and I wasn't at his side within seconds, he would absolutely lose his cool. If I was sitting with him and Sam wanted something, Ben would flip if I got up to help Sam. He is also insisting on being carried everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I literally feel like my head could explode.

So last night, when he wanted me to sit with him on the couch while I was making dinner, I just could not stand his yelling and demanding at me any longer. I told him that I was making dinner and I would be out when I was done. For 20 minutes he screamed and cried. He went into the "ugly cry" as Oprah calls it. Tears streaming down his little contorted face. Saying "mamma, mamma, mommmy" non-stop.

In any other circumstance it would have broken my heart. I would have gone to him in an instant. But last night, I couldn't. I was done. I had given and given and given and there was just not one more ounce of give in me. So I stood in the kitchen and just listened to my sweet little boy sobbing in the next room. There was a small part of me that felt compassion, that felt sorry for him, but mostly I was just angry angry angry. I just wanted him to shut. up. I could literally feel my blood boiling as I took deep breaths trying to keep my cool. It took everything I had to not go out there and yell at the top of my lungs.

Finally, "dinner" (frozen chicken nuggets and frozen veggies) was ready. I took it out to the other boys, picked up Ben (now literally covered from ear to ear in tears and snot) and took him to his room. We lay down together in his bed and I just stroked his hair and read him books. He was asleep within minutes of me turning out the light, me lying right down next to him.

That night I couldn't sleep. I had flash forwards 25 years to Ben talking to his therapist about how he needed me, was calling me, and I just ignored him. And I knew he wouldn't remember the previous 7 days where I catered to his every whim. He'd remember that he wanted me and I wouldn't come.

Because that's the way it is with parenthood, isn't it? The every day stuff just fades into the background, but as adults we often remember the ways our parents weren't there. My parents sacrificed almost everything for my brother and me. But I often still find myself focusing on the things that they didn't give me (emotional stuff, not physical stuff).

Now that I am a mom myself, I have so much more appreciation for everything my mom did for me - stuff that goes unnoticed. The meals, the uniforms, correcting homework, shuttling me here and there, sitting up with me when I was sick at night. All of the stuff that goes unsung.

I guess this is just a stream of consciousness blog. I don't really have a beginning or ending or neat little summary. I guess mothering is just hard and I love my sons more than imaginable.

Random #s 46 - 52

46. I love my children most when they are sleeping.

47. My parents do not know I keep this blog.

48. If they did know, I could not write as honestly.

49. I would be unhappy if someone told them I write this blog.

50. My BFF's mom reads the blog regularly.

51. Sometimes I forget that Ross and Rachel are not real people.

52. No matter how much of a humanitarian she is, I will never forgive Angelina Jolie.

200 - part 1

My friend and blogging buddy, Mel, just posted 200 things about herself to her blog.

When the "25 things" went around on Facebook, I found it rather narcissistic, but to come up with 200 things really requires some soul searching so I will attempt it here. (Thank you, Mel, for helping inspire me to get back to the blog).

Food:

1. My favorite foods are baked goods.

2. If you told me I could never eat a piece of candy again in my life I would be fine with it.

3. I now get terrible headaches and hangovers from drinking alcohol of any sort so I rarely drink anymore.

4. I think having a drink of wine with dinner is a very sophisticated thing to do.

6. I hope my boys go to a college where there is more to do than drink at frat parties.

7. I make a fabulous apple crisp.

8. A friend suggested the other day that I sell my apple crisps during the holidays. I am seriously considering this.

9. I weigh 15 more pounds today than the day I got married. This is not baby weight. This is cookie weight.

10. I am slightly obsessed with organic, whole, locally farmed foods although I do not always buy them.

11. I would love to own chickens and eat their eggs.

12. I feed my children far too much frozen food.

13. My kids LOVE fruits and veggies and always get in their 5 a day. (This makes me feel better about #12).

14. My absolute favorite drink is cold water.

15. I cherish my daily coffee from starbucks. It took me 39 years to get to the point where I could say "I am worth it."

Family/Ancestry:

16. I grew up with parents who never, ever spoiled themselves or their children. Treats (ie, going to an ice cream parlor, renting a movie to watch at home) were rare.

17. Because of that frugality, I graduated from college debt free and I am very grateful for it.

18. My parents' sacrifices changed the trajectory of my life and the lives of all my future generations.

19. That is not an overstatement.

20. Someday it would be cool to go back to college and take all the classes I wanted to take but didn't either because they didn't work with my schedule or I thought they'd be too hard.

21. I am of primarily German/Danish/English heritage. I am not proud to be German. I am very proud to be Danish.

22. My great-grandmother's name was Anna Christina Jensen. I think that is a beautiful name.

23. My mom's mother was a knockout. She was drop dead gorgeous.

24. My mom's mother found happiness in her mid-70s.

25. I hated the last name Payne growing up. Now I really miss it.

26. I have one brother and am very protective of him.

Qualities:

27. I can reveal too much too quickly.

28. I am too trusting of people.

29. I am loyal. If you cross one of my friends/someone I love, I will hold it against you forever. Even if my loved one forgives you.

30. I could put my hands on a stack of bibles and take an oath in a church or court and lie through my teeth if I needed to protect a friend. And not feel the least bit guilty about it.

Work:

31. My first job out of college was the best job of my professional life.

32. I miss work desperately. I loved being busy and accomplishing things. I also loved dressing up, high heels, and lunch out.

33. I want to open my own business. I would love to do it with a friend. I just don't know exactly what I want to do.

34. Whatever work I do, I want to have to go to an office to do it.

35. My ideal office would be in the same building as the Starbucks I can walk to.

36. Re: #35, I often choose to ignore the rule not to end a sentence with a preposition. It's annoying.

37. My ideal office would be white, sunny, lucite furniture, and Apple products.

Sex: (AED, my fab sister-in-law, consider yourself warned!)

38. I have negative sex drive.

39. I wish I had a sex drive.

40. Maybe I will have a sex drive when I finally get regular sleep.

41. When I turned 40, I got all kinds of sex toys. I learned that some of my friends use vibrators regularly. WHO KNEW?

42. I got a vibrator for my birthday.

43. It's still in its original packaging, but I look at it hopefully every so often.

44. I had a one-night-stand once and it was a great thing for me.

Misc:

45. I have an obsession with popping pimples. I am convinced this means I am less evolved from mother monkeys than most women.

Time for bed... more tomorrow....

Breaking the Fast

So - today marks the end of my 3 week cleanse.

What am I looking forward to? Not being hungry anymore. That has been the hardest part for me, trying to get comfortably full. Surprisingly, I'm not really looking forward to the junk. I thought I would have a big cookie fest or run to starbucks for coffee cake and donuts. But - not so much.

Here are the changes I've made that I hope to carry forward with me:

1) Skip the processed crap. It's gross. No other way around it. I haven't missed it AT ALL. If I want a cookie, get or make a homemade cookie. They taste better and aren't full of shit. Seriously, have you ever looked at the ingredients in a package of store bought treats (granola bars, cookies, etc)? Yuck.

2) Veggies and fruit. Delish. Just delish. Expensive, but worth it. This will be harder as the summer fruits that I have been enjoying get out of season. But I will try.

3) Starbucks as a treat with friends or family. Not a daily trip. The problem is not the coffee as I don't get a sweetened drink. My drink is a latte which is milk and espresso. Nothing processed. No sugar. The problem is NEEDING it. I've gotten out of the habit of getting it. The first week STUNK. I mean, it really sucked. Getting a daily latte was so part of my day and it was something I looked forward to minute by minute. But I've broken that habit now and it really is freeing.

4) Keeping to the browns instead of the whites. I have not yet ventured into the whole wheat pastas yet but my friend Jill tells me that the wheat pasta at Trader Joe's tastes better than regular pasta. I do know this, I haven't had white bread or white rice in years and I do not miss it at all. Maybe I will soon feel the same way about pasta?

5) Washing my face and brushing my teeth every night. I started this with the cleanse and have remained true to it for 3 weeks. Good habits to be in.

Wish I could say that I had dramatic changes with the cleanse - more energy, better skin, huge weight loss. That didn't happen but I sure feel like I have broken some bad or unwanted habits and I am really proud of myself for sticking with it, even when I was exhausted and hungry and just wanted eating to be simple.

Thanks for reading my "journey" with this. I'm really glad I did it!

Cleanse: End of Week Two

Earlier this week I thought about ending the cleanse at the end of week two. I'm not going to, but damn do I really want a glazed donut from starbucks right now!

Here are the pros that have come from the cleanse:

1) mental discipline - there are times when it has been easy and times when it has been difficult (e.g., yesterday at jack's party - pizza, cake, and ice cream) but I have stuck with it, through and through. And that, my friends, is huge.

2) it feels fabulous to be feeding my body such healthy, solid, clean foods.

3) i have lost weight while eating as much food as I want (as long as it is cleanse-appropriate).

4) i have a much greater awareness of how much processed crap I was putting into my body. I consider myself a healthy eater but I've been really surprised at the things I've had to cut out because they are processed.

Cons:

1) This is the hugest con of all - I am hungry much of the time. I'm not sure I've been "full" for two weeks.

2) Eating is a huge pain in the neck. I have to go food shopping daily to ensure I have enough fruits in the house to make it through the day. I can't just whip together a 1 minute sandwich to eat on the run. If I'm having a salad it takes a good 5-10 minutes to make and lots of time to eat. This would make the slow food people happy, but I don't have a slow life. I usually have only a few minutes to eat in between picking up Ben from preschool and picking up Jack from the bus.

3) I really, really miss the treats.

4) I am finding it impossible to eat out. I've had two occasions in the past 2 weeks where I've been out with friends. One was a restaurant, one was Starbucks. There was literally nothing on the menu that I could eat so I had water. Talk about drawing attention to yourself.

Time's up now. Up next: how to take the things that work from this cleanse and incorporate them into "real" life.

Back to Running

So, today is the first day I am back to running since my back pain episode. I've been feeling back to normal for a few days now so I thought it was time to get back into a routine, especially since I've got a 1/2 marathon coming up in less than 6 weeks - one that people are actually paying me to run.

My chiropractor suggested I start out with one mile and work back up from there, as quickly or slowly as felt right for my body. But the weather was perfect for a run, my ipod shuffled up the absolutely perfect songs, and I felt no pain at all so I went for 3 miles. There is a long way between 3 miles and 13.1 miles, but I feel hopeful that I will get there pain-free.

There were times when I wished I was Phoebe from Friends and I could just bust out into a dance or into song during the run, I was so happy and the music was so good.

Fat, Rice, and Lots of It

I am loving the protein dinners I have been having on this cleanse. Pork, halibut, salmon, sea bass, grass fed beef. Especially the grass fed beef, especially the very marbled grass fed beef. I was so high on the fact that this is a natural, unprocessed protein and therefore cleanse-friendly until I remembered I still need to keep in mind its position on the food pyramid. Red meat once a week. No more. OK, I'm reminded.

The other JOY of this cleanse has been discovering brown rice. Combined with a protein, it is heavenly. I realize this is due to the law of relativity. If I was eating wheat products, rice would be at the bottom of the list. But since it is my only allowable grain, I am LOVING it. And yes, I am loving it so much that I used all-caps more than once to describe my love for it. That's how much I'm loving it!

I'm taking the cleanse one day at a time now. I have committed through Sunday. After that, I will reevaluate. Because physically, I can't say I feel any different at all. No more or less energy. No more or less bloated. No more or less skin flare-ups. And I haven't been putting the spiritual or emotional work into the cleanse in order to reap any of those benefits.

Hmmmm.